COMING BACK FROM ROUTE 91 IN LAS VEGAS
Making My Emotional, Mental, and Physical Comeback to Life After Route 91 in Las Vegas
As many of you know, I was at Route 91 in Las Vegas the last weekend of September and found myself at the festival on that fateful Sunday, October 1st. I have been with my family recovering, seeking mental health, and embracing new connections with other survivors. I've been living life slowly and keeping myself extremely intimate in my decisions and lifestyle. I've been keeping to myself, my small intimate friend group, and not blogging or writing. I feel like the past two years have been huge life events that have kept me from blogging and writing and I'm not going to let that happen anymore.
This life changing event pushed my fears away of not being enough, not being accepted, or heard, or having a voice worth hearing. I saw true fear, I looked fear in the face, I lived it, I heard it, I ran from it. Fears of not being enough or hindering me from what I can accomplish has no place in my life anymore. So I am back. I am here. I am going to write and connect and use this blog and if 2 people read it, then 2 people heard my voice that were supposed to for one reason or another and that is enough for me.
I have had a really hard time with friends and family reacting to my testimony. Watching them cry, feeling them hug me, looking at their horror struck faces as I retold my experience really gutted me. I wanted to make them feel better. I wanted to comfort them. I wanted to tell them I was okay. But, I wasn't. I am not okay. I am choosing to move back to LA to be closer to family to pursue my dreams, but also, heal. I need to be with my family, my cousins, and be in familiar settings to establish a sense of normalcy.
The man who helped me get out of the festival venue has been in my life since and will always be in my life in some capacity. He has helped me on the phone at 3am crying my heart out for the pain I feel, for the flashbacks I can't erase, for the triggers I can't stop, and for the comfort I need of someone telling me it will be okay if even for the night. He has been my companion in this journey and those close to me know how highly I respect and hold him. But you all need to know as well. B, you are a light I would have not known if not for that festival. You have become someone I can tell anything to, share my deepest fears, and my greatest hopes and goals. You are the person I cry to and also laugh with and my small silver lining. Thank you for being you. You know what that means to me and my life.
My friends and family have been constant, kind, loving, patient, and beautifully raw with me. They have been constantly reading my every word and movement. They know when I need to have a glass of wine and laugh about inside jokes and when I need to crawl in bed with them and cry while they hold me so that I don't go to sleep alone. My mom and dad have been there for me financially telling me not to worry about going to work if I need to take a day off to heal. "Money is always in the world, you might not be," my Dad told me, as I talked about frustration I feel for having to return to work the Tuesday after the festival to ensure I made that month's rent having taken so much time off for the blog. My friends cooked me my favorite meals, drank all of my favorite wines, sat with me in the moonlight talking of memories, and eating fatty food to comfort me for weeks. I'm so sorry for all the weight y'all have gained. I love you so much.
For my followers of the blog that reached out asking if I was okay having not posted, you were such lights. Your hearts were aching for someone you never met, you checked on me when you didn't have to, you reached out to a stranger that you felt connected to and I am eternally grateful. You encourage me. You fueled me. Having some of you message me to ask if I was healing, if I was okay, and to simply tell me I was "missed." I was touched. It healed me and encouraged that final push to weed out the fear that was lingering.
I am not okay. I am healing. I am triggered by the most strange and small details of everyday life. I don't know how long it is going to take me to be okay. I will tell you all my story soon. I have been praying about it and I will make a video, and I will tell you of what I learn, and I will encourage you all to be united to each other, and I will explain and piece together everything I've been working on for the last month.
I know this post is so grammatically off, but I don't give a flying fuck. I am not going to read through this until I post it. I am here. I am back. I am healing. I am working hard on coming back stronger. I am kinder. I am loving. I am important. I am strong.
"You are a strong girl."
Words I've heard ring in my head more than I realize.
xx Vee.