LOMOGRAHAM X THE RHINESTONE RODEO
LOMOGRAHAM X THE RHINESTONE RODEO
Everyone has stories, experiences, and moments that linger and (for better or worse) have influenced their development of self. I've talked in the past about how hard it was for me to learn to love myself and why with those who are close to me. I've come to realize just how helpful my growth has been for those close to me and i'm at the point in my life that I am able to confidently share these stories with strangers, supporters, and those who might need to know they are not alone.
I'll just jump right into it. The first serious relationship I was ever in was very controlling, stifling, and extremely close-minded. I say "relationship" and not my specific partner because if you have ever been in a relationship like this, then you would know that you start to do the same thing and take up the same characteristics as one another. It becomes a disgusting cycle. I was in that relationship for four years. F O U R! Worst of all, it was during my most developmental years of my life from 17 to 21. It took me a long time to break those habits that were formed: overthinking every action, hesitating when acting on my intuition, doubting my individuality, limiting my creativity, and worst of all COMPARING MYSELF to other women that he said he thought he would end up with instead of what he found in me. I can still hear comments he said 6 years later. I remember the dress I was wearing when he told me who he thought he would end up with and how surprised he was that he found me to be so beautiful. Backward gross compliments anyone? No thanks. I'm coming into myself. I'm doing what I didn't do then. I'm developing. I'm seeking. I'm challenging myself. I'm testing my boundaries and drawing boundaries at the same time. I'm shooting with new photographers, working on artist collaborations, coming out with my own line, starting to blog and write again, and serving others above myself.
But why talk about it now? I was in such a gross cycle of comparison at such a young age and saw the girl that he talked about and compared me to EVERYDAY in my classes. My unconscious comparison and social factors contributed to a development of anorexia. It lasted for a few years well into my young adult life, hating myself for eating. I began to go through cycles trying to "cure" myself by eating a lot and gaining a lot of weight and then dropping off and eating nothing and dropping back below my 100 pounds limit. Well, while I was in the midst of this horrible growth period, I met Graham and shot with my first photographer ever in a series that was unbelievably hard for me. I was camera shy and hated my picture being taken because I was so hard on myself and going through so many ugly internal battles. I couldn't love myself.
Fast forward over 6 years. I reconnected with that very photographer and shot a new series that channeled my developed confidence in Christ, in art and creativity, and in myself. I found beauty in my individuality, in my health, in my family and friends supporting me, and in the way I conquered something that no longer has a hold on me. My past is not perfect and definitely has hindered my growth in ways only those close to me know, but I wanted to shared a brief history of where I came from hating my appearance and self, to loving how beautifully I have been created.
Here are those photos. Thank you @lomograham for believing in me, pushing me, and capturing me in ways only an artist would understand. Thank you for letting me be me. There is joy, community and healing in vulnerability. You are each beautifully made.
